Fighter
by Lucy Mars
Summary: Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.
1. Chapter #1

Title: Fighter

Author: Lucy Mars

Spoilers: Just to be safe everything.

Disclaimer: Nope, last time I checked, they still don't belong to me. ;]

*Okay, you're right. I am an evil, sadistic person for not posting the next chapter of Dark Depths. But please try and bear with me as I suffer through some awful writers block. It'll be out soon. Until then, hope you can chew on this while you wait, oh, oh so patiently. ;]

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Chapter #1:

"Advil?"

"What?" CJ asked looking up from her laptop and finding an ashen looking Donna standing at her door.

"Advil." Donna repeated clutching CJ's door frame.

"Are you okay?" CJ asked getting up and pulling Donna down onto her couch.

"I just need some Advil." Donna sighed sinking into CJ's couch.

Putting her hand against Donna's flushed forehead, CJ felt a frown spread across her tired face. "You're warm."

"I'm fine." Donna said obviously not fine.

"You should be at home. Resting." CJ pointed out, "It's past midnight. What are you doing here."

"Work." Donna shrugged trying to get back onto her feet. "Josh needs the thing for tomorrow.

Watching Donna sway on her feet, CJ grabbed her hand and forced her to sit back down. "Sit here."

"Where are you going?" Donna asked blinking rapidly to try and clear her blurry vision. God, her head hurt.

"To get you some Advil." CJ said digging through her drawers. "Damn, I don't have any."

"It okay CJ. I'll be fine." Donna said trying to get back up. "Just a headache."

"Stay." CJ commanded in her no-nonsense tone. "I'll go and steal some from Sam."

"Okay." Donna sighed closing her eyes. God, why wouldn't the room stop spinning.

Watching Donna shiver, CJ pulled a throw over her before heading out of her office to find some Advil and a pair of kneecaps to break.

--------

Grumbling to himself, Sam crumpled another piece of paper and threw it across his office just as CJ came barreling into his office. Opening his mouth to say something, Sam quickly shut it when he saw the expression on her face. Whatever it was that he did to piss her off, it didn't look like he was getting out alive. "CJ." 

"Move." CJ commanded coming around to his desk.

"Okay." Sam complied rolling his chair back. Watching CJ open his drawer with unnecessary force, Sam felt confusion mar his face as he watched her riffle through his pens and pink balls that he stole from Toby. Whatever it was she was looking for, she didn't seem to be any closer to finding it. "Ah…CJ?"

"What?" CJ snapped.

"What are you looking for?"

"Advil."

Reaching across his desk, Sam plucked the yellow bottle from the far corner and handed it over. "Here."

"Thanks."

"Are you okay?" Sam asked confused.

"Why wouldn't I be?" CJ asked twisting the cap fiercely, closer to crushing it then actually opening it.

Taking the bottle from her, Sam popped it open easily and handed it back to her. "You usually don't come in here at midnight and attack my desk."

"Good point." CJ said grabbing Sam's water bottle too.

"So, you do want to tell me what's wrong?"

"Why would anything be wrong?"

"CJ." Sam frowned rubbing his forehead. Stopping abruptly, Sam absently wondered when he'd starting doing that. It was disconcerting that he was picking up Toby's habits.

"I'm going to kill Josh."

"What did he do now?" Sam sighed.

"He's being a jackass." CJ grumbled.

"Okay," Sam said waving his hand in the air, "and you're surprised by that why?"

"Because I'm going to kill him this time." CJ said adamantly.

"What did he do now?" Sam asked surprised by her seriousness. 

"It's just…he's…" CJ said struggling to find the right words.

"CJ?"

"Never mind." CJ said shaking her head. "It's nothing." That wasn't true. It wasn't nothing. But what was CJ suppose to say? As the Press Secretary, she was suppose to want a scandal free White House. The President having MS and never disclosing it was bad enough. What sane person would want to add in the Deputy Chief of Staff sleeping with his assistant, to the job? Who cares if the two are unhappy for the next two, maybe six years? Ha! Who cared if they missed their chance together and were unhappy for the rest of their lives? Not her. Right. Who cared if they really loved each other. Who cared if they were perfect for each other? Complemented each other with their crazy quirks. Who gave a damn whether they were or were not happy? Not her. Though, oddly enough, CJ couldn't get over the fact that they both were pretending to be happy for the, ahem, unlucky one who was dating the vivacious and damn annoying Amy Gardner. Can't forget bitchy. No. No. Can't forget that. Or the fact that Amy Gardner seemed incapable of moving her mouth while talking. Nope. Who cared? Not her. Maybe if CJ told herself that enough times, she would begin to believe it.

"CJ?" Sam asked shaking her arm lightly and snapping her out of her mental rant, "CJ?"

"Yeah?" CJ asked easing her death grip on the innocent Advil bottle.

"Are you okay?" Sam repeated.

"I'm just tired." CJ lied. "Listen, I've got to go and give Donna the Advil."

"She's still feeling sick?" Sam asked worried now.

"Still?" CJ asked.

"Yeah. Donna hasn't been feeling well for awhile now. She's been complaining about these headaches. Actually, she hasn't been herself lately." 

"How so?" CJ asked feeling bad about not noticing anything unusual about Donna's behavior.

"I don't know," Sam said frowning, "she's just been off. She seems to have trouble remembering things that should be second nature."

"Has she gone to the doctor?" CJ asked.

Looking guilty, Sam played with his pen. "I don't know. I didn't ask."

"Okay." CJ said determined now. She was going to drag Donna to the ER if she had too. 

"What is she still doing here?" Sam asked noticing the time.

"Doing something for Josh." CJ practically spit out.

"Josh is still here?" Sam asked surprised. It's been really quiet. He though that Josh had left.

"Apparently," CJ growled, "Josh is on a date with Amy Gardner."

"Oh-kay." Sam said nodding his head. That's why CJ was so mad.

"What?" CJ asked noticing the expression on Sam's face.

"That's why you're mad." Sam stated.

"What?" 

"That's why you're in the mood that you're in."

"What are you talking about?" CJ asked trying to compose herself.

"CJ." Sam sighed, "Of all of us, you're the one who wants Josh and Donna to, and I quote, 'finally get their heads out of their asses already' the most."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." CJ denied. One drunken night, and she'd never live it down.

"Yes you do." Sam said gently. "You do. But CJ, now…for them to…it's just…if they…another scandal…"

"Don't you think I know that?" CJ snapped.

"Yes, but…"

"Don't you think that I realize how much easier my job would be if Josh and Donna kept their hands off of each other while we're here?" CJ continued gesturing madly around the room. "I know that, Samuel! It's my job to know that. It's my job to keep them apart. It's my job!"

"But you don't think it's right." Sam pointed out gently. "None of us think that it's right."

"Then why do we keep on pretending that nothing's there?" CJ asked trying to get her emotions in check. "Why do we keep praying that they won't see what they've spent all these years denying? Why?"

"Because we wouldn't survive another scandal." Sam pointed out. He just pointed out exactly what CJ knew but wished she didn't. Talk about hitting the nail dead on the head.

"How do we know?" CJ asked feeling desperation fill her. She didn't want to pretend anymore. She didn't want to watch Josh and Donna anymore and wonder what kind of person she was. What kind of person stood in-between two people who…who…

"We know, CJ." Sam sighed rubbing her arms. "You know it too."

"But I…"

"I know." Sam said smiling sadly. "We've all felt it, CJ."

"I don't like feeling like this." CJ whispered rubbing her tired eyes. "I don't like feeling this guilt."

"None of us do."

"Then why do it?" CJ asked.

"Because we have no other choice."

"We do." CJ said looking down at Sam's kind face.

"No CJ, we don't." Sam said seriously.

"But…"

"CJ." Sam said grasping her arm. "Re-election is coming up. We can't battle two things at once. We don't even know if we can win one."

"Then what am I suppose to do?" CJ asked.

"We're suppose to do our jobs." Sam said simply.

Sighing, CJ looked away from Sam's piercing blue eyes. The problem was, lately she didn't like her job very much.

"We've come this far CJ." Sam said forcing her to look at him, "We've come this far. It's too late to turn back."

"It's never too late." CJ said softly.

"It is." Sam said fiercely. "It is. Josh has Amy Gardner now."

"And who does Donna have?" CJ snapped, hoping to guilt Sam onto her side.

"Until she finds her own prince, she has us." Sam said honestly. 

"How do we know that Josh is happy?" CJ rebutted.

"Does he seem unhappy to you?" Sam asked.

"How would I know if he was pretending?" CJ retorted stubbornly.

"Because we would know."

"How do we know Josh wouldn't be happier with Donna?" CJ said posing the eternal question.

Sighing, Sam roughly ran his hands through his hair. Why was CJ bringing it up now? Why? On the eve of re-election, the last thing the administration needed was a scandal involving the Deputy Chief of Staff and his young blonde assistant. Sam knew were CJ was coming from. He saw the special bond that Josh and Donna shared. He saw the way they laughed and bantered. He saw how broken Donna looked when she stumbled into the waiting room at G.W. He saw how she pulled herself together for Josh's sake. How she held him together when he needed her. He saw how Josh pulled himself together for Donna's sake. Not his own. Not for his mother. Not for the administration. Josh did it for one Donnatella Moss. Sam was the one who found Donna crying when Josh fell into a drug induced haze for christ sake. He saw her pacing the halls on Christmas Eve. He saw Donna's love for Josh. He saw Josh's love for Donna. Sam knew exactly the guilt that CJ was feeling. He felt it too.

"How do we know?" CJ repeated watching Sam and his tight face closely.

Snapping his head up to look at CJ, Sam gestured around them. "How do we know that Josh won't hate Donna when she costs him his job? His life?"

"It wouldn't come to that." CJ stuttered.

"It would." Sam sighed. "It would."

"He wouldn't hate her." 

"How do we know?" Sam asked throwing CJ's question back at her.

"Because he loves her more then all this." CJ replied. "He loves her."

"He worked his entire life to get to this point." Sam said shaking his head. "Josh is his job. He would never be happy without this."

"Life is more then a job. Happiness is more than the White House." CJ whispered clutching Sam's sleeve.

"For you," Sam said, "for me…for any normal person that's true. But not for Josh. His happiness is instilled in these walls."

"Then what do I do?" CJ asked letting her grip on Sam's sleeve slip away.

"Absolutely nothing."

"Absolutely nothing?" CJ echoed.

"Yes." Sam said sternly, "Don't do anything that you're going to regret CJ."

Sighing, CJ nodded. "Fine." The problem was, she probably wouldn't regret it. Moments like this, CJ knew that she wouldn't regret it. But she wouldn't do it. At least not for now.

"Okay." Sam said sitting back down, drained. The conversation had drained him. He'd never be able to finish this. Grabbing his coat, Sam shrugged it on. "Okay."

"Donna's probably wondering where I am." CJ said shaking the Advil bottle.

"I'll come. I want to see how Donna's doing."

"Okay." CJ said leading Sam through the empty halls towards her office.

Following CJ, Sam re-played their conversation in his head and wondered if it would ever really come to that. Would Josh end up hating Donna? It was a question that Sam wanted but didn't want to know. He usually wasn't one to play with fire. However, CJ had managed to ignite the guilt that Sam was so use to repressing. He hated this feeling. Hopefully a couple of beers would help extinguish this feeling.

"I've got Advil." CJ said hoping that Donna couldn't hear the strain in her voice. "Donna?" CJ asked when she didn't respond. Looking up at Sam with an expression of panic, CJ knelt down beside her couch. "Donna?"

Donna lay beneath the throw that CJ had covered her with, shivering with a force that wasn't natural. Whatever color that had been in her face before was gone. Replacing Donna's normally pink and healthy face with a stark sickly white. Her breathing was labored and shallow. Leaving CJ and Sam with a sick feel in the pit of their stomachs.

"Donna?" CJ said louder. Hoping to wake Donna and quell the panic that she was feeling. Looking up at Sam desperately, CJ shook her head. "Something's wrong."

"Donna?" Sam asked grabbing her shoulders. "Donna?"

"Oh my god." CJ gasped realizing that Donna wasn't shivering. She was convulsing involuntarily. "Donna?"

"Donna!" Sam yelled trying to wake her. "We need an ambulance. CJ, call an ambulance."

Grabbing her phone, CJ punched the numbers with trembling hands and said with a terror that she didn't know she could feel when the ringing stopped, "I need an ambulance."

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Please.......don't hate me. ;] *Mwuhahaaha* I have this thing for cliffhangers....nah, I don't understand it either. ;] This was just a spur of the moment thing that I will continue if you guys want. Here's the catch. You gotta tell me that you want more. ;] Haha. I'm the master of subtly...I know. Hope you enjoyed it.

-Lucy


	2. Chapter #2

Title: Fighter

Author: Lucy Mars

Disclaimer: Nope, they aren't mine. They belong to the delightful and delicious ABS.

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Chapter #2:

Clutching the steering wheel, Josh speed through the deserted streets. Running a red light, Josh was sudden assaulted with Donna's soft voice echoing in his head and telling him that she wouldn't stop for red lights. She wouldn't stop for red lights. And now, Josh had sufficient proof to say that he wouldn't stop for red lights either. Swallowing back the memories, Josh tried to concentrate on the road. 

He needed to get to G.W. He needed to find CJ and find out what the hell was going on. It was probably nothing. It was nothing. CJ didn't call in tears. CJ wouldn't call in the dead of night incoherent and crying. CJ would call to make him cry. Not call him crying. And Sam. Sam wouldn't take the phone from CJ. He knew better than that. Especially if he valued his kneecaps. No. Nothing was wrong. Donna was all right. She probably slipped. She been off balance a lot lately. She been off lately. They'd been off lately. It was nothing. Nothing. 

Watching the city flash by as he pushed his car to go faster, Josh tried to calm down. He needed to calm down. If not for himself, then for Donna. He needed to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Breathe. Donna would chide him when he got to the hospital. She would tease him mercilessly about worrying about nothing. She would tease him. Mock him. Laugh at him. It would be like old times again. It was nothing. He was worrying about nothing.

Pulling into the G.W emergency entrance, Josh left his car in the no park zone. Let them tow it. He didn't care. He needed to get in there and find Donna sitting there ready to laugh at him. He needed to see that he was worrying about nothing. It was nothing. He was worrying about nothing. 

Rushing into the overflowing ER, Josh didn't have time to be assaulted my the memories that would always haunt him. He needed to find Donna. He needed to see her laughing, CJ not crying, and Sam with broken kneecaps. He needed that. Looking through the sea of people, Josh spotted Sam immediately. He was standing amiss the chaos around him, waiting. Like a broken angel. Sadly though, his kneecaps didn't look broken. In fact, much to Josh's dismay, they looked to be perfectly intact. Watching Sam walk towards him, Josh felt his heart stop. This wasn't what he needed. Where was his laughing Donna? Where was a not crying CJ? What was going on? There was nothing to worry about. Nothing.

"Josh." Sam said approaching his still friend.

"What are you doing here?" Josh asked studying Sam intently. "Why aren't your kneecaps broken?"

"Josh." Sam repeated grabbing his arm to try and steady him.

"Where's Donna?" Josh asked feeling anxiety begin to eat away at him. 

"Josh." Sam said gently, "Come with me."

"No!" Josh yelled ripping his arm away from Sam's grip. "Where's Donna?"

Careful not to pull anymore attention to them, Sam lead Josh out of the crowded ER and back into a private room. A private room, that much to Sam's horror, reminded him too much of the one that they sat in when they waited for Josh. "Josh…"

"Where's Donna?" Josh repeated desperately clutching onto Sam's arm. "Where is she? She's suppose to be okay. She suppose to be mocking me for worrying. She's suppose to be laughing. Teasing me, Sam." 

"Josh." Sam sighed stealing a look over at CJ for help.

Following Sam's gaze, Josh felt the world start to crash down around him when he met CJ's red teary eyes with his distressed ones. "You're not suppose to be crying." Josh choked out. 

"Josh." Sam sighed trying to calm him.

"You…" Josh said whipping around to look at Sam, "you're suppose to have broken kneecaps. This is suppose to be nothing. CJ doesn't call in tears. You don't take the phone from CJ. Donna's suppose to be all right…" Josh gasped feeling the warmth drain out of him when he saw Leo sitting at the far corner of the room. "Leo?" Leo didn't come unless it was important. This wasn't important because Donna was all right. It was nothing. Leo shouldn't be here if it was nothing. None of them should be here. Josh just needed to find Donna. He would find her and they would leave. He would drive her home and sleep on her couch. He could listen to her sprout inane facts. He would watch her smile and tease him. He would smile with her. He missed smiling with Donna. He missed Donna. Where was she?

"Josh," Sam said trying to lead him towards a chair before he collapsed, "sit."

"No." Josh said pushing Sam away. "Where's Donna. I need to find Donna."

"Josh," CJ said getting up and trying to calm Josh down, "sit down. Take a deep breath."

"Deep breath?" Josh asked looking up at CJ, "Did Donna tell you to tell me that?"

"No." CJ whispered, "Oh Josh…" 

"I need to find Donna." Josh said feeling the room start to spin. CJ doesn't cry. Sam doesn't look like a lost puppy. Leo doesn't sit in the corner watching them all. Leo doesn't look sad. Donna…Donna doesn't get hurt. She doesn't…she can't…"I need to find Donna."

"Josh," Leo said grabbing his arm before he could run through the hospital screaming Donnatella Moss at the top of his lungs, "sit down."

"I need to find Donna, Leo." Josh choked out trying to pull out of Leo's grasp. "I need to find her. She's gonna tell me that it's nothing. I'm worrying about nothing. Nothing at all."

Tightening his grip on Josh's arm, Leo steered him into a chair and pushed him down. "Sit Josh."

"No," Josh protested trying to get back up. "no."

"You're going to want to be sitting when I tell you this." Leo said seriously.

Looking at Leo with an expression of dread, Josh felt tears sting his eyes. 

"Josh," Leo sighed feeling his own heart ache when he saw how broken and lost Josh looked, "it's not good."

"What's not good?" Josh asked looking up at Leo. "Did Donna fall? She slipped didn't she. Broke something. Her arm? A leg? I told her not to wear heels. She's been tripping a lot lately. Dizzy. She complains about being dizzy. Too much caffeine…"

"Joshua." Leo said cutting Josh off.

"Yeah?" Josh whispered looking up at Leo.

"Donna's sick."

"Sick?" Josh echoed gripping the cold metal of the chair. "The flu? She needs a warmer jacket. I'll get her a warmer jacket. Does she want some soup? I'll go and get her some soup. Maybe the chicken soup that she likes…"

"Josh." Leo sighed looking at CJ and Sam. "It's not that simple."

"What?" Josh asked frantic now, "A viral infection?" 

"Josh," Leo said sitting down beside him, "Donna's really sick."

"She hasn't been feeling well lately." Josh whispered to no one in particular, "I should have let her go home early. I shouldn't have asked her to do the thing."

"It's serious, Josh."

"Serious?" Josh echoed looking over at Leo and fighting against his tears.

"Yeah."

"How serious?" 

Swallowing hard, Leo looked up at CJ and Sam before turning back to Josh and his pale face. "Donna's a fighter."

"How serious?" Josh repeated.

"I…the doctors think…" Leo stuttered trying to find the right words. He couldn't find the right words. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to be the one to tell him this. But Leo promised. Leo promised Noah that he'd take care of Josh. Leo owned Noah. He didn't protect him once. He would this time. He had to do this.

"Just tell me Leo." Josh snapped harsher then he meant too.

"Donna has cancer." Leo said quickly.

"Cancer?" Josh asked feeling his heart fall down an endless pit.

"Yeah."

"It's serious?"

"Yeah." Leo nodded.

"You're wrong." Josh said shooting to his feet.

"Josh." Leo said standing up too and reaching out for him. "Josh, listen to me…"

"No!" Josh yelled backing away from Leo and avoiding Sam and CJ as well. "You're wrong. There's been a mistake. Donna doesn't have cancer. She's young. She's healthy. She runs for gods sake! So she's been feeling like crap lately, that doesn't mean that she has cancer. You're wrong."

"Joshua," CJ said trying to catch him before he fell, "Joshua."

"Don't call me that." Josh said his voice catching. "Donna calls me that. Only Donna calls me that."

"Oh Josh." CJ said wrapping her arms around him.

Taking comfort from CJ's embrace, Josh buried his face in her shoulder. "Donna can't have cancer." Josh said choking on his tears. "She can't."

"I'm sorry." CJ whispered tightening her hold on Josh, "I'm so sorry Josh."

"Donna's impervious. Donna is suppose to be impervious." Josh sobbed clutching onto CJ, "She can't have cancer, Claudia. She can't."

Looking over Josh's head, CJ found her own tear stung eyes mirrored in Sam's and even in Leo's. God, what were they suppose to do now?

`~`~`~`~`~`~`

Thanks for all the amazing feedback you guys!! ;] I'm gonna finish up Dark Depths and then focus on this. Enjoy! 

-Lucy

P.S. Tell me what you thought!! 


	3. Chapter #3

Title: Fighter

Author: Lucy Mars

Disclaimer: Nope, last time I checked they still weren't mine.

****

Chapter #3:

First Joanie, my only sister. Then it was Dad. My father had cancer. Noah Lyman was strong, he seemed invincible at times, but even he couldn't beat it. Then it was almost me. I almost died because I worked for the real thing and a couple of punks toting legal firearms decided that they would play god. Now, it was Donna. Donnatella Moss had cancer. Cancer. She had cancer. 

Why is it all the people I love leave me? All I have to remember Joanie by are a box full of fire damaged things. All I have are hazy memories that become more of a blur with every passing day. Photos of happier times sit in a lock box with my other valuable possessions. The watch that my father gave me for my 25th birthday. My mothers favorite books. Music sheets that were Joanie's prized belongings. The cufflinks that Donna gave me the first Chanukah that we spent together in the White House. All my irreplaceable belongings sit in that box. 

All expect for my mother and Donnatella Moss. I can't save them. I can't even save myself. 

When will the sky stop falling? Life isn't fair. I know that. We all learn that as children, but I think my life has been littered with more obstacles and hazards then the average Joe. When will life stop playing these games?

I sit here in this waiting room, numb and cold. Who is going to pull the pieces of my heart back together? Who's going to catch me as I free fall? Leo is pacing the hall nervously as he tries to explain the situation to a confused Toby, and they occasionally toss these worried and melancholy glances my way. CJ bolted to the nearest restroom awhile ago. And Sam. Dear old Sam, is sitting beside me looking like the Original Lost Boy. God, I love these people. I do. But…but…but…

How am I going to live without Donna? Do I want to live without Donna?

I don't want to hold onto a box full of memories when I miss her. I don't want to cry and go through pictures on her birthday. I don't want to buy her flowers on our anniversary and place them on her grave. I don't want to put stones on her headstone. 

I want to hold her in my arms when I miss her. I want to kiss her and treat her like a princess on her birthday. I want to buy her beautiful flowers on our anniversary, and watch her pout at me when she sees the fragrant arrangement. I want to place a stone…a shiny rock on her finger. I want us to be the little old man and the little old woman that laugh, banter and love each other.

How am I going to live without her?

---------

Gripping the edges of the sink till her knuckles were white, CJ took a ragged breath and watched as the cold water surged through the open pipe. Her arms shaking with the pressure that she was applying, CJ tried to concentrate on the soothing sound of the water pouring out of the faucet. This she could control. She could control this. The water and when it would be released was under her will. CJ couldn't control the news cycle, she couldn't control the weather, she couldn't control the guilt eating away at her weeping heart…but this she could control. 

Catching her blotchy reflection in the mirror, CJ found herself comforted by a familiar face. "Hey."

"Hey." Toby said walking into the empty restroom.

Sniffling, CJ shut off the water and ran a trembling hand through her hair. "When did you get here." she asked her back to him.

"Just now." Toby said taking in CJ's appearance in the mirror.

Nodding, CJ tried to bring her breathing under control. 

Watching CJ stiffen her spine with soft eyes, Toby closed the distance between them quickly and wrapped his arms around her. "It's okay."

Feeling the last of her strength crumble, CJ feel into Toby and let him support her. "No," she whispered feeling fresh tears build behind her eyes, "it's not okay."

"No." Toby agreed, "It's not."

"Why is this happening?" CJ asked clutching onto Toby's jacket and surrounding herself with his familiar scent. "Why?"

"I don't know." Toby said honestly.

"It's bad." CJ said her voice hoarse from all the crying. "It's bad."

"I know." Toby said gently, "I talked to Leo."

"Josh is so…" CJ said her voice breaking, "He looks…he looks so lost."

"I know." Toby said his own voice wavering with emotion, "I know, I saw him."

Squeezing her eyes shut, CJ shook her head. "Why does this keep happening?"

"I don't know." Toby sighed understanding CJ's sorrow. "I don't know."

"Why do the people we love keep leaving us?"

"Donna isn't going anywhere." Toby said rubbing CJ's back. "Donna's gonna be just fine."

"We don't know that." CJ whispered taking a ragged breath, "You don't know that."

Sighing, Toby attempted to tug CJ out of the confining restroom. "Come on. Leo said that they were moving her up into her own room."

"No." CJ said ripping her hand away from Toby.

"CJ?" Toby asked confused by her actions, "Don't you want to see Donna?"

"No." CJ said shaking her head, "I can't."

"CJ?"

"No, Toby." CJ said backing away from him and the looming door, "I can't."

"What are you talking about?" Toby asked aggravated now, "Of course you want to see Donna. What's going on?"

"Toby," CJ said shaking her head and bumping into the cold sink, "I can't. What if she hates me?"

"Hates you?" Toby asked his anger melting away as he watched CJ fall apart in front of him, "Why would Donna hate you?"

Her hand flying to her mouth, CJ shook her head and let her hair fall over her face.

"CJ?" Toby asked gently, "What's wrong?"

"What if she doesn't make it?" CJ asked her voice hoarse with tears.

"Donna's gonna make it." Toby said with more confidence then he felt, "She has…"

"But what if she doesn't?" CJ asked cutting Toby off. "Then am I guilty of stealing away what she didn't know she had? Are we all going to be guilty of taking what may have been their only chance at happiness?"

"CJ," Toby sighed feeling a familiar guilt rise through him, "Donna's gonna be…Donna's gonna make it." he whispered, his own voice laden with tears.

"I…I don't…I don't want to be guilty of that." CJ whispered watching Toby with sad eyes, "I don't want to live with this guilt. I don't… I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this guilt."

"I don't either." Toby sighed rubbing his eyes roughly.

"But what if that happens?" CJ asked gripping the cold sink behind her, with her trembling hands, "How do I apologize to Josh for that?"

"I…I…I don't know." Toby stuttered shaking his head.

"How do I tell Donna that I'm sorry?" CJ asked her voice wavering with emotion.

"I don't know…"

"How do I live with myself?" 

Looking up at CJ, Toby rubbed his face tiredly. "You thank god for every single day that you have. You give thanks for every moment that you get to spend with the people you love."

Hastily wiping away her tears, CJ moved away from the cold unforgiving sink and wrapped her long arms around Toby's comforting body. "I love you." CJ whispered burying her face in his shoulder.

His own arms coming around to hold CJ's shaking body firmly against him, Toby kissed her soft and familiar hair. "I love you too."

---------

"How is he?"

Clutching the phone with unnecessary force, Leo quickly looked over at Josh's slouched profile. "Bad."

"How bad?"

"He hasn't said a word since the doctor was in there explaining it to us."

"Cancer, Leo." Jed sighed, "Damn."

"Yeah." Leo sighed.

"How large is the tumor?"

"Big enough to make the doctors worry."

"But it's benign?" Jed asked watching the ice in his glass melt away.

"Yeah," Leo said rubbing his eyes, "I guess we've got to be thankful for the small favors."

"I wish I could be there." Jed sighed, "I wish…"

"I know, sir."

"Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"Times like these," Jed said taking is glasses off, "it's Jed."

"Okay."

"Abby should be there soon."

"She really didn't need to come."

Laughing tiredly, Jed leaned back against his seat. "When have you know Abby not to rush to the scene and play doctor?"

"Don't let her hear you say that."

"Yeah."

Swallowing hard, Leo watched Josh sit stolidly in his chair. "I'm worried."

"About Donna?" Jed asked, "Don't. She's tough…"

"I meant Josh."

"Who's sitting with him?" Jed asked resisting the urge to screw the rules and jump into the first black suburban that he saw.

"Sam." Leo sighed, "Who happens to look just as bad as Josh."

"When he sees her, he'll be better."

"How do you know?" Leo asked.

"Because Josh will pull it together for Donna." Jed said confidently. 

"How can you be so sure?" Leo asked rubbing his eyes.

"Because Donna did it for him."

Feeling a soft smile touch his heavy lips, Leo nodded. "Yeah. You're right."

"I always am."

"I'll try and remember that." Leo said gruffly, his voice laced with emotion.

"Cancer, huh?" Jed sighed.

"Yeah."

"They bring up an oncologist and neurologist?" 

"Yeah."

"Leo?" Jed asked trying to keep his emotions in check.

"Yeah?"

"Tell Donna that I'm praying for her."

"Yeah." Leo said nodding his head to try and hide his own tears.

"Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell Josh too."

"I will." Leo said looking over at Josh and Sam, "I will."

"A brain tumor." Jed whispered trying to make it feel real.

"Yeah."

"Leo?"

"Yeah, Jed?"

"It still doesn't feel real."

"I know." Leo sighed trying to hold it together. "I know."

"When are you going to see her?"

"As soon as they get her settled in her room." Leo said watching as familiar men in black suits swept into the empty halls. "Abby's here."

"I'll let you go then." Jed said.

"Okay." Leo said watching for a reaction out of Josh.

"Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"Everything's going to be okay."

"Yeah?" Leo asked trying to keep the doubt out of his voice.

"Yeah." Jed said confidently, "I'm always right. Remember?"

"I remember."

"Okay, I'll see you in a couple hours."

"Good night, sir."

"Night, Leo."

Hanging up the phone, Leo turned around to find Abby standing right behind him. "Abby."

"Leo," Abby said hugging him quickly, "where's Josh?"

"In there." Leo said nodding towards the waiting room. "He hasn't said a word since the doctors came in to talk to us."

"Is he in shock?" Abby asked worriedly.

"No," Leo said shaking his head, "that's what the doctors thought, but when they suggested a sedative or a bed, he still have the strength to glare."

"Okay," Abby said smiling softly, "I'll go in and check him out, then I'll go and find Donna's doctors."

"They should be down here soon." Leo said looking down the hall, "They said that they'd come and talk to us again after Donna was moved into her room."

"Have you seen her?"

"No. They gave her some drugs to cope with the pain, which they're surprised she could withstand, and she's out of it."

"Okay," Abby said straightening her shirt, "I'm gonna go and sit with Josh."

"Good luck." Leo sighed watching Abby stride purposely into the waiting room.

`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`

Sorry for the delay in getting this out...but I wanted to wrap up Dark Depths before giving this my full attention. I hope you liked it. Send suggestions my way if you want. ;]

-Lucy


	4. Chapter #4

Title: Fighter

Author: Lucy Mars

Disclaimer: *sigh* Nope, not mine. Oh, but if wishing made it so. ;]

****

Chapter #4:

"You can sit there and refuse to talk to me, but that doesn't mean that I won't sit here and talk to you." Abby said settling into the chair beside Josh.

Looking blankly at the sterile wall in front of him, Josh didn't acknowledge Abby's presence in the room, or the men clad in black suits and ear pieces that traveled with her. He didn't look, but Josh could feel Sam rise to his feet when Abby entered the room. If not as a formality, then as a sign of respect. 

No. Tonight Josh didn't have respect of anyone...or anything. He would sit here and try not to break down as he waited for Donna. Maybe if he wasn't so scared, Josh wouldn't have been so quiet or still. Maybe if he wasn't so scared, he'd remember to breath every so often. Maybe if he wasn't so scared, he'd left it out. 

He was so scared, terrified that the moment he opened the gates, they would never stop. Did he have enough tears to cry for Donna? No.

Watching Josh closely, Abby felt the familiar tug at her heart. The one that every mother felt when they couldn't protect their children. The same one she felt when Elizabeth suffered her first miscarriage. The same one she felt when Ellie fell and broke her arm when she was twelve. The same one that she felt when Zoey wanted to know why she couldn't love Charlie, without worrying about how she'd placed his life in danger. The same one she felt when she saw Donna sitting in this very hospital waiting for Josh. Reaching over, Abby gently took Josh's lax hand in hers and wove their fingers together. 

"It's going to be okay, Josh." Abby whispered giving his limp and cold hand a soft squeeze.

Blinking rapidly, Josh tore his gaze away from the white wall and settled his lost eyes on Abby's soft face. "How?"

"It just will." Abby whispered feeling his pain wash over her. "It just will."

Taking a shaky breath, Josh hung his head in defeat. "I'm so scared."

Pulling Josh against her, Abby held him in a mother's embrace. "I know."

"It's Donna..." Josh whispered against her comforting shoulder, "Donna's not suppose...she's not suppose to fall...."

"You'll catch her." Abby said rubbing Josh's back and reaching over to give Sam's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "You will."

"What if I can't?" Josh asked his voice wavering and his head pounding.

"You can." Abby replied feeling his tears fall on her shoulder. "You will."

"What if..."

"We'll help." Abby said reassuring Josh. Looking over at Sam's compassionate face, Abby offered him a warm smile. "We'll all help."

"What if she can't be helped?" Josh asked, his voice hoarse and meek, "What if..."

"We always overestimate our worries and underestimate our potential." Abby sighed pulling back and looking Josh in the eye, "Don't underestimate Donna's potential."

Biting the inside of his cheek, Josh nodded slowly and focused on the blurring floor.

"Josh," Abby said catching his chin and making him look at her, "Donna has amazing potential. She's strong, and she's going to beat this."

"It's cancer." Josh whispered.

"But they caught it."

"It's a brain tumor, Abby." Josh murmured feeling the reality of the situation slam into his again. 

"It's benign." Abby countered.

"It's big."

"But they can operated."

"The risks…" Josh said pulling his chin out of Abby's tender grasp, "all the risks…"

"I understand the risks," Abby said rubbing Josh's arms, "and so do you."

His hand unconsciously moving over his heart, Josh nodded.

"Donna understands the risks too." Abby said brushing the hair off of Josh's face, "She knows the risks of surgery, but she also knows the benefit."

Nodding in understanding, Josh gave Abby a quick glance into his battered heart. "I can't lose her, Abby."

"You won't." Abby said giving him a small smile.

"I want to see her." Josh whispered, "Can I see her?"

Offering Josh a sympathetic smile, Abby gave his hand a quick squeeze. She would run interference this time too. She did it for Donna, and she would do it for Josh. "I'll go and see how much longer."

"Abby?"

"Yeah?" Abby asked turning back around to watching Josh raise his tired and slowly lighting eyes back at her.

"Thank you."

Battling against her own rise of emotions, Abby gave Josh a reassuring smile and watched as Sam lost his own battle with his tears. "I'll be right back."

`~`~`~`~`

Have you ever had one of those moments where you wake up and you don't know where you are, but you do? I've spent the last ten minutes staring up at the intricate patterns on the sterile white ceiling pretending that I don't know where I am. That this is all a dream and any second now I'm going to wake up at my desk, scowl at a sheepish looking Josh for making me work so late while he was out with LockJaw...um, Amy, and steal his coffee. Yeah. 

Any second now I'm going to wake up. All I have to do is snap myself out of this dream......beep, beep, beep......this nightmare.

Close my eyes. Open my eyes. Close them again. Open them, and curse the fact that the distinct smell of disinfectant, the beeping of a familiar monitor and the muted sounds of a functioning hospital haven't disappeared yet. Swallowing hard, I wince at the dull throbbing in my arm. Maybe if I don't look down and acknowledge the iv in my arm, then I won't have to deal with it. Maybe, just maybe... if I don't look around the bland beige room, I won't have to accept the fact that I'm lying in the hospital, that the familiar and eerie feeling of being loopy on morphine isn't real...that nothing is wrong.

If something was wrong, don't you think that I would know? This is my body. Mine. Through high times, low times and all those times in between, this has been my body. If something was wrong I would know. If something was so wrong, that I would land a one way trip to the hospital, I would know. Nothing's wrong. Trust me, after all these years and all the problems, I would know. This is nothing. Nothing. If something was wrong......if......if......if

"God," Donna whispered watching the ceiling blur with her tears, "not again."

`~`~`~`~`

"We can't hide in here forever." Toby said gently stroking CJ's back.

"We could try." CJ replied.

Pulling away from CJ, Toby shook his head. "I know that you would rather hide in here, but you can't. Life sucks, but not living it would suck even more."

Giving Toby a small smile, CJ ran a cold hand through her hair. "It's sucks, huh?"

"Shut up." Toby said going back to his gruff behavior.

"What happened to your superior grasp on the English language?" CJ asked splashing some cold water on her face.

"Are we going to stay here all night so that you can mock me?"

"Possibly,"

"CJ," Toby sighed grabbing her hand, "come on."

"I don't know if I can." CJ said hesitantly letting Toby pull her towards the door.

"You don't have much of a choice." Toby said opening the door.

"I don't?"

"No."

"But…"

"Claudia," Toby said giving her hand a quick squeeze, "just jump."

"Just jump?" CJ repeated skeptical.

"I'll catch you." Toby said softly.

Swallowing hard, CJ let Toby lead her out of her temporary haven and back into the real world.

`~`~`~`~`

"I'm okay, you can stop looking at me like I'm going to fall apart any second."

Sighing, Sam didn't take his eyes off of Josh. "I worry…"

"I know." Josh said not meeting Sam's eyes.

"It's just that…"

"I'm not going to go and break a window again, Sam." Josh said curtly.

"I'm not afraid of that." Sam said truthfully, "I could handle that."

"Could you?" Josh asked bitterly.

"Yes."

"Than what are you afraid of?" Josh asked.

"Right now," Sam said pointedly, "what you're doing right now."

"And what am I doing right now that's making you worry?" Josh asked confused.

"Absolutely nothing." Sam said watching Josh narrow his eyes and regard him strangely. 

"What are you talking about?"

"You," Sam said pulling himself together, "I'm worried about you and how you're dealing with all of this."

"Sam…"

"No," Sam said cutting Josh off, "let me finish. I'm worried about you, Josh. You're holding it all in."

"And what do you want me to do?" Josh asked looking up at Sam with anger. 

"I want you to talk to me. I want you to cry. I want you to just…I want you to…"

"You want me to what?" 

"I want you to let it out."

"Let it out?" Josh questioned with a bitter laugh.

"Yes." 

"How?"

"You opened up to Abby, and then the moment she left you clam up and go back to brooding." Sam said frustrated.

"How do you expect me to act?" Josh asked glaring now. 

"I just want you to talk to me. To cry. To let it all out, Josh. Don't bottle it all up inside…"

"I can't." Josh said with a resolute shake of his head.

"And why not?" Sam demanded.

"Because," Josh whispered, "I don't know if I could stop."

"That's okay…"

"No," Josh said fighting against his tears, "it's not."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want Donna to see me like that." Josh said meeting Sam's worried eyes with his red ones, "I don't want her to see me scared."

"Fear is natural. It's okay to be scared…"

"No, it's not."

"Josh…"

"Sam," Josh said his heart clenching painfully, "she was there for me when I needed her. Donna pulled it together for me. Now it's my turn."

"She'd understand…"

"I know." Josh said shaking his head, "I know she would, but I want to be her rock. She was mine after…after...and I want to be someone that she can depend on."

Sighing, Sam relented when he realized that he wasn't getting anywhere. "Okay, but Josh...you know that..."

"I know, Sam." Josh said softening his tone, "I know."

"I'm here." Sam said needlessly. "We all are."

"I know." Josh said watching Toby lead a reluctant CJ back towards them, "I know."

"Okay." Sam sighed following Josh's eyes and meeting CJ's wide eyes. 

"Hey," Toby said tugging CJ into the waiting room, "have the doctors come back yet?"

"No." Sam said meeting CJ's guilt ridden eyes with his own.

"Okay," Toby sighed sitting down next to Josh, "what do we do now?"

"We wait." Josh said solemnly, "We wait."

`~`~`~`~` 

Dum, Dum, Dum. I know, I know.....this wasn't exactly the happiest fic out there. But I've done happy, and now I'm trying my hand at the not-so-happy. ;] Hope you liked this chapter. Really, I want to thank you guys for all the amazing feedback that I've been getting. It really pushes me to write more, because I'm just as impatient, if not worse, then all of you combined. I hate waiting too. ;] So send more feedback and maybe I'll write even faster. ;]

-Lucy [a.k.a The Queen of Angst according to Abby] ;]


	5. Chapter #5

Title: Fighter

Author: Lucy Mars

Disclaimer: Ha! They belong to him.

****

Chapter #5:

Listening to her shallow breaths echo off of the sterile walls and blend in with the myriad of sounds of her quiet, yet deafening room, Donna clenched and unclenched her fists as she waited. She was waiting. She would wait for her tears to subsided, and her fears to disappear, because this wasn't real. This wasn't happening again. No. No. No. That was her mantra. No. No. No. God, no.

It couldn't be. All that chemo as a child, all those long nights listening to her father cry when he thought that she was asleep, all the hair that she lost. No. Donna didn't fight for all those years just to be here again. This wasn't happening. This was just a dream. Life was cruel, but it wasn't sadistic. 

You don't lose your mother to cancer, get cancer, fight it, beat it, fight it again, beat it and fight it again. 

You don't lose your father, the only person left in the world, to a drunk driver when the worst of it seems to be over. You don't bury your father alone. You don't wonder why it's not you in that casket instead of him, because for so long you didn't want to fight. But you did, because you couldn't leave him. You were the only person that he had left. You were all he had, and now he's gone. No, by some twisted turn of faith, he left you.

You don't pour all your faith into a man who didn't deserve it, because he wanted to be a doctor and you created this dream world where he would always protect you. You don't leave him because the dream has dissolved, and end up going back to him because it's easier to live a dream then live the reality. You don't end up having your heart broken again. No. 

You don't finally find home, a surrogate family, to find out on a news bulletin that the world has suddenly shifted on it's axis once more. You don't come to the realization as you run 4 red lights that you risk losing everything and everyone you have because a couple of idiots are racists pigs.

You don't fall in love with a man and watch as your world falls apart as the doctors rush to save him. You don't realize when he opens his eyes that everything's going to be okay. That you haven't lost him......until his own demons attack him. 

No. One person doesn't suffer this much in a lifetime. One person doesn't lose it all. No. Life can't be that cruel.............can it?

`~`~`~`~`

"Sir?"

"Yeah?" Jed asked looking up from the memos scattered over his desk.

"The First Lady's on the line." Charlie said taking in the President's tired face.

"Okay." Jed sighed picking up the phone, "You can go home Charlie."

"I'd like to stay," Charlie said standing at the door, "at least until..."

"Yeah, okay." Jed sighed picking up the phone, "Abby?"

"Oh Jed," Abby sighed.

"That bad?" Jed asked.

"We haven't seen Donna yet, but I did talk to her doctors."

"That bad?" Jed repeated.

"No, it looks good." Abby said feeling a small glimmer of hope, "I talked to her oncologist and neurologist and both are optimistic. The tumor is benign and though it's located in a sensitive area, it looks good. Surgery has it's risks but..."

"They're going right to surgery?"

"Donna has a history." Abby sighed her eyes wandering over to where Josh was sitting silently. 

"A history?" Jed asked, "What the hell does that mean?"

"Her file's thicker than yours, Jed."

"Why didn't I know that?"

"Because Donna didn't tell you." Abby said simply.

"Well...she should have." Jed sputtered. "She should have told all of us."

"And how would you have wanted her to do that exactly?" Abby demanded.

"I don't care how, she should have told us..."

"Yes, Jed." Abby replied cutting his mini rant off, "She should have randomly come to you one day and announced the fact that as a child she had cancer and after years of chemo and radiation she thought that she beat it."

Listening to the silence, Abby sighed, "Jed?"

"Yeah?"

"You know I'm right."

"Yeah."

"And I know that you're angry."

"She's so young." Jed sighed taking his glasses off, "She's just..."

"I know." Abby sighed.

"She's so young."

"I know."

"Abby?"

"Yeah?"

"She's going to be okay."

"Yeah," Abby said soothing Jed's unspoken fears, "she's tough."

"I should have given her the damn Proclamation."

"How would that have helped?" Abby asked smiling at her husbands stupidity, "Would the Proclamation for her teacher have made her better?"

"Well...no," Jed conceded, "but it would make me feel a little better. Maybe I should do it now, you know, as a way to cheer her up."

"Oh Jed," Abby sighed smiling, "it's times like these I remember why I married you."

"Only times like these?" Jed asked suggestively. 

"Jackass." Abby laughed shaking her head.

"Listen," Jed said serious now, "how's Josh? I talked to Leo earlier and I could tell that he was worried."

"Josh is...well, Josh isn't taking this well." Abby sighed.

"I guess that's to be expected."

"Yeah." Abby sighed, "I guess. But that doesn't make me worry any less."

"He's scared."

"He looks so lost." Abby whispered.

"The woman he loves is sick," Jed said looking up at the picture of him and Abby on his desk, "and he's powerless. He can't save her."

"I know." Abby whispered trying to hold back her tears.

"I know you know." Jed sighed, "Abby?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For making you feel powerless."

Her eyes falling to her wedding ring, Abby shook her head even though he couldn't see. "I don't feel powerless."

"No?" Jed asked using his thumb to twist his wedding band around his finger.

"No," Abby confirmed, "I feel incredibly lucky to be married to such a loving jackass."

Laughing, Jed nodded his head. "As you should be."

"Jed?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't ruin the moment."

"Okay," Jed laughed, "I won't."

"I know you want to be here."

"Yeah."

"But you know you can't."

"An unmarked black suburban," Jed tried.

"Jed." Abby warned.

"I know."

"They would find out and they would have a field day with it. President at G.W....why?"

"Yeah."

"You know I'm right."

"Yeah." Jed grumbled.

"It'll be okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." Jed sighed.

"Go to bed, Jed."

"Later."

"I'm not going to be back to awhile."

"I know."

"And you have staff and security briefing..."

"Yeah."

"And you don't want to fall asleep for either." Abby warned.

"Yes mom."

"Do you really want to be calling me mom?" Abby asked.

"No." Jed sighed.

"Go to bed. You need your rest."

"Okay." Jed said picking up the memo sitting on his desk.

"Jed?"

"Yeah?"

"Put the memo down, let Charlie go home and go up to bed." Abby said sternly.

"Okay, okay." Jed said putting the memo down. "I'm going."

`~`~`~`~`

Pacing the halls, Leo looked up in surprise when Abby stood in front of him. "You talk to the doctors?"

"Yeah," Abby said leading Leo into a chair, "I did."

"And?"

"And you need to take a couple deep breaths and let the doctors worry about it."

"Abby," Leo sighed.

"Listen to me." Abby said seriously, "You need to be there for Donna and Josh. Let me deal with the doctors."

"Josh wants to see her."

"I know." Abby said looking over towards the waiting room, "I'm going to take him up first."

"That's a good idea." Leo nodded.

"Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"It's going to be okay."

"Yeah?"

"I may not have a license to practice, but I'm still a doctor." Abby said patting Leo's arm.

"Yeah." Leo said giving Abby a small smile.

"Go sit with the others." Abby suggested getting up, "I'm gonna take Josh up to see Donna."

"Okay," Leo said getting up.

"Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"You need to prepare yourself."

"For what?" Leo asked.

"For what happens when Josh realizes that he can't save Donna."

"What do you mean? Josh doesn't think that he can save Donna."

Sighing, Abby looked over at Josh's frozen face. "He does Leo. That's why he's holding it all in. He thinks that he can save her. Donna is....she's....to him, she is....."

"She's important to him." Leo offered.

"Yeah," Abby sighed, "she's important to him all right."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure." Abby whispered. 'Because I thought that I could save Jed too.'


	6. Chapter #6

Title: Fighter

Rating: Meh, PG-13 for swearing. I'm a potty mouth. Sue me. ;]

**This has not been edited, because I feared a lynching if I didn't get this out ASAP!! All mistakes are mine! ;]**

Chapter #6:

"I don't want too."

"You have too."

"No," Donna pouted trying to pull out of her father's gentle grasp, "Please daddy, don't make me go."

"You have too." Robert persisted trying not to hurt Donna as he held onto her frail wrist, "It's to make you feel better."

"But it makes me feel sick." Donna whimpered looking away from her father and playing with the edge of her shirt, "I don't want to go anymore daddy. I don't like it there."

"I know baby, I know." Robert said cupping Donna's pale face, "I'm sorry you're sick, but you need to go. The doctor said a few days. At most."

"That's what she said last time too." Donna reminded him, "I ended up staying for whole three weeks." Donna pouted holding up three chubby fingers. "I don't want to stay in the hospital. It smells funny and I get bored."

"But I'll be there with you the whole time." Robert promised giving his daughter a small smile, "I promise."

"What about work?" Donna asked surprised.

"Don't worry about that. Just concentrate on getting better, okay?"

Nodding, Donna wrapped her little arms around her father. "I love you daddy."

"I love you too." Robert whispered leaning over and kissing Donna's little blonde head, "Donnatella, my little bella Donnatella."

Smiling, Donna looked up at her father. "Mommy use to call me that."

"I know." Robert whispered looking down at his little blonde baby girl. She was her mother's daughter.

"Can we bring Suzy?" Donna asked looking up at her father with big blue eyes.

"Yeah," Robert nodded trying to blink back his tears, "Why don't you go and get Suzy? I'll go and grab your favorite pajamas from the dryer."

"The pink ones with the little balloons?" Donna asked spinning around and giving her father a bright smile.

"Yeah," Robert nodded, "the ones with the little balloons."

Titling her head to the side, Donna gave her father a small smile as her blonde hair glowed in the morning sunlight. "Daddy?"

"Yeah baby?" he asked, his breath catching when he watched his wife's smile dance in his daughters eyes.

Giving her father a mischievous smile, Donna stumbled over her rarely used Italian. "Non si preoccupi, Daddy."

Feeling genuine laughter bubble beneath his heavy heart, Robert gave Donna a misty smile. "I don't worry."

"You do daddy." Donna grinned, "You worry too much. Don't."

"I'll try not too." Robert promised.

"Okay," Donna smiled, "Everything's going to be okay, daddy."

"I hope so." Robert whispered watching Donna search for her doll, "I hope so."

`~`~`~`~`

"A book?" Donna asked incredulously.

"What?" Robert asked fussing over Donna and fluffing her pillows, "It looks interesting."

"A book?" Donna repeated.

"You can't watch television all day." Robert said rolling his eyes.

"Don't worry," Donna said gesturing at the schoolbooks that were sitting at the foot of her bed, "I've got lots to do."

Smiling, Robert kissed the top of Donna's head affectionately. "It seems like an interesting book, Donnatella."

"'Everything That You Could Know, That You Don't Need To Know?'" Donna laughed reading the title of the book. "Are you serious, daddy?"

"What would you have preferred?" Robert asked sitting down on the hospital bed, "Nancy Drew or The Babysitters Club?"

Wrinkling her noise in disgust, Donna shook her head. "No way, daddy. Those are girly books."

"Oh I'm sorry." Robert laughed, "How about I get the Hardy Boys next time?"

"Nope, get Moby Dick." Donna told her father seriously.

"Moby Dick?"

"What's wrong with that?" Donna asked eyeing her father suspiciously. 

"It's just that it's an awfully big book, for such a little girl."

"Daddy!" Donna yelped appalled, "I am not a little girl anymore. I am 12 years old!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Robert said with mock fear, "I forgot. How forgetful of me."

"Now you're just teasing me." Donna pouted.

"I'm sorry baby," Robert laughed, "but you'll always be my little girl."

Rolling her eyes, Donna cracked the heavy tome open and read from a random page. "Did you know that an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain?"

"No," Robert grinned, "but now I do."

Flipping to a random page, Donna couldn't help but laugh. "Did you know that Reindeer like to eat bananas?"

"See, it's a good book."

"Yeah," Donna conceded, "it is."

`~`~`~`~`

"Donna, you have too."

"No." Donna snapped titling her chin up and concentrating on the television in the corner of the room.

"Donnatella, eat something."

"No."

Frowning, Robert grabbed the remote and turned off the television. 

"Daddy!"

"Eat something and I will let you watch television." Robert explained calmly.

"I was watching that." Donna yelled, ignoring her father's calm attitude, "Turn it back on."

"No." Robert said simply.

"You're being unfair."

"Eat." Robert commanded pushing the tray of food back in front of Donna's frowning face.

"No." Donna said crossing her arms angrily.

"If you don't eat, you can't get better."

Scoffing, Donna narrowed her eyes at her father. "I gave up at getting better a long time ago."

"Don't say that." Robert said his face paling considerably, "Don't say that."

"It's been 8 years of this crap," Donna spat out gesturing around the confining hospital room, "I don't want to do this anymore."

"You don't mean that." Robert said shaking his head.

With her glorious 14 years of wisdom, Donna laughed bitterly. "I don't know, saying it out loud makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here hooked up to all these machines. I wonder what it would feel like to stop taking my meds and…"

"Stop!" Robert yelled getting up from his chair, "Stop saying that. You don't mean that."

"What if I did?" Donna asked.

"You don't." 

Looking at her father, Donna felt her heart melt as her eyes fell on the familiar lines that had been around his mouth and eyes for years now. He was tired, she knew. He was scared too. So was she. She was so damn tired. No, she didn't mean it…at least not today. But who knew, with the way her life was going, she just might tomorrow.

"Donna?"

"Yeah daddy?" Donna asked sighing heavily.

"You don't mean it…right?" Robert asked anxiously.

"No," Donna sighed picking up her fork and picking at her food, "I don't." At least not right now, but she made no promises.

"Okay," Robert said letting out the breath that he'd been holding. 

Feeling her father's eyes on her, Donna suppressed the sigh that was climbing up her throat and swallowed a forkful of food that she knew she was going to throw up later. Her chemo never let her keep anything down. Yeah, she just might mean it tomorrow.

"Donna?" Robert asked watched his daughter struggle to eat her dinner without being ill.

"Yeah?"

"I love you." Robert said softly.

"I know." Donna nodded, "I know."

"Always remember that." Robert urged, "Always."

"I will." Donna promised looking up at her father.

`~`~`~`~`

Lying perfectly still, Donna bit the inside of her cheek as she listened to the muffled sounds of her father choking down his angry tears. It was another year gone by, another hospital room to spend her birthday in, and another long night for them both. Closing her eyes, Donna continued to play possum as her father cried for all the years that they suffered. She couldn't leave him. He wouldn't have anyone left. They were all each other had. This was their family and their life. No, she wouldn't leave him. He needed her and she needed him. 'Oh daddy,' Donna though as she felt her own tears trail down her cheek, 'non si preoccupi.'

`~`~`~`~`

Feeling the wet rain soak her black sweater, Donna watched with detachment as they lowered her father's body into the ground. This wasn't supposed to happen. They were supposed to live together and greet every morning together with a smile. She fought for him. She stayed because she couldn't bear the thought to leaving her father alone. And now, as ironic as it was, he was the one that left her. Looking down at the blood red roses that she held, Donna held her hand over the dark hole and watched as the red petals swayed with the wind and drifted down towards her father. 

"Mi ricordo," Donna whispered as the wind and cold rain mingled with her tears, "I will always remember daddy."

`~`~`~`~`

It had been three months of denying that nothing was wrong that had led to this. It had been two years of her life wasted on a man who didn't love. It had been another man that she couldn't bear to leave to his own devices. Only this time, it was different. This wasn't her father. He wasn't the love of her life. He wasn't even her friend. He was a med student that let Donna believe that he could fill her void and make her dreams come true. Colin was nothing more than a jackass. A jackass med student who would be broke and would flunk out of med school when she left him. She wouldn't be here to pay the bills. She wouldn't be here to quiz him on the topic of the week with her 54 index cards. She just wouldn't be here.

Throwing the last of her belongings into her suitcase, Donna looked around the neat apartment with a sense of loss. Two years of her life and she could fit it all into a battered suitcase that had seen too many trips to the hospital and three cardboard boxes that she could easily fit into her father's car. Grabbing her car keys from the coffee table, Donna looked up just as CNN flashed its logo across the screen. Maybe if she had enough room…or strength for that matter, she would have taken the television with her, but she didn't. It was all right. She would make up for it with her freedom and inspiration. Watching as CNN did a quick piece on the Governor of New Hamshire, Donna was stuck with inspiration and direction. She knew where she was going now. She was going to help a man become President of the United States.

`~`~`~`~`

He needed her. It was nice to be needed. It was nice to have the freedom of knowing that she had someone who genuinely needed her. Josh was a mess before she worked her way into his cluttered life. He missed meetings, he lost memos and he forgot to eat before she arrived. Josh needed her and for once, it was nice to know that she was needed. Not because he didn't have anyone else, he had a bitchy girlfriend, not because he needed her paycheck, god knows he has more money than her and not because she was fun to be with. No, Josh needed her because she kept his life running. He needed her for her skills. He needed her because nobody else could do what she did. Make sense of the chaos that he created. It was nice to be needed.

`~`~`~`~`

"Colin, how did you find me?" Donna demanded looking around the chaotic campaign office with a feeling of panic. If Josh saw Colin, he would call him Dr. Freeride and then pound him. Just what the campaign needed, a fight between a senior advisor and a jackass of a guy who just walked into headquarters.

"Donna, I've changed…"

"Oh please," Donna scoffed trying to walk away.

"No, really," Colin said blocking Donna's path, "I've changed."

Raising an unbelieving eyebrow, Donna crossed her arms and found herself mimicking Josh's arrogant pose.

"I have." Colin persisted, "Come back Donna."

"Listen Dr. Free…Colin, just go away."

"No," Colin replied, "not until you hear me out."

"You really aren't going to say anything that I want to hear." Donna snapped, "Now unless you want to pay me back for two years of my life, than I suggest you leave."

"I love you." Colin tried.

Rolling her eyes, Donna felt a frown crease her face. She didn't have time for this. "I don't have time for this."

"I can't live without you."

"You seem to have survived just fine for the last 6 weeks." Donna pointed out, side stepping Colin and grabbing a pile of messages that Josh needed. Where the hell was he. He was supposed to be here by now. If he slept in, she was going to kill him.

"I've been miserable."

"Colin, newsflash." Donna snapped, "That was the story of my life for two years."

His face falling, Colin watched as Donna moved around the campaign headquarters with ease and confidence. Even from the two minutes that he'd spent here, she could see the change. She carried herself with this new energy. She spoke and commanded other volunteers with ease. She was a new woman. "Marry me."

Stopping dead in her tracks, Donna slowly turned around to look at Colin. "What?"

"Marry me." Colin repeated pushing off of the table that he was leaning against.

"Are you kidding me?" Donna laughed.

Her laughter stinging, Colin shook his head. "I'm serious."

"Do you have a ring with you?" Donna asked.

"Well…no." Colin stuttered feeling his face flush.

"Do you have a ring picked out?" Donna asked walking closer towards Colin.

"Well…yes, no….no…well, maybe…" Colin stuttered feeling his face flush crimson as Donna closed in on him and his lie.

"Then why propose."

"Because I love you?"

"Was that a question?" Donna asked feeling her annoyance and anger grow.

"No." Colin lied.

"Colin…" Donna said with a warning tone.

"Yes," Colin sighed defeated.

"I think that it would be best if you left," Donna said narrowing her eyes at Colin and pointing towards the door, "or I would be inclined to give security a call."

With a definite hunch in his shoulders, Colin gave Donna once last pleading look. 

"No," Donna said cutting him off before he could say a word, "just go."

"Fine." Colin snapped spinning on his heel and storming out of the campaign headquarters.

"Jackass." Donna muttered to herself as she headed towards Josh's office. Reaching out to grab the phone, Donna felt the floor suddenly shift beneath her. Grabbing the edge of his desk to steady herself, Donna felt panic seize her as the familiar sensation engulf her. The whole room seemed to tilt on it's axis and blur it's familiar shade of gray. "No," Donna whispered closing her eyes, "no, not again."

"Donna?" 

Spinning around in surprise, Donna tried to hide her fear. "Hey, CJ."

"Is Josh in yet?" CJ asked eyeing Donna curiously.

"Ah, no." Donna said looking around the room, "Ah, he's not here yet."

"Okay." CJ said watching Donna grip the desk, "Are you okay?"

"Me?" Donna squeaked, "I'm fine. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course." Donna lied plastering a fake smile on her face, "Just all this catching up with me."

"Okay," CJ said not believing her, "Tell Josh I want to talk to him when he comes in?"

"Sure, sure." Donna said nodding hastily. Watching CJ disappear around the corner, Donna fell into Josh's chair heavily. Taking a deep breath, Donna looked down at her shaking hands and swallowed hard. "No," she whispered, "no."

`~`~`~`~`

Sitting nervously in her oncologist's office, in Madison Wisconsin, Donna tapped her foot as she waited for her test results to come back. She left New Hampshire two weeks ago. It was that familiar feeling that had driven her home. Fear. She didn't know if she could do this again. She didn't know who she was fighting for this time. She didn't know if she wanted to fight this time. 

Listening to the deafening ticking of the clock behind her, Donna closed her eyes and tried no to think of Josh. He'd been angry when she told him she was leaving. He felt betrayed. Why he felt that way, Donna didn't understand, and why she felt like she'd betrayed him, she didn't understand. It was this new feeling of guilt that had eaten away at her when she lied and told Josh that she was going back to Dr. Freeride. It shouldn't have been. There was no reason to feel guilty. She lied, yes, but only because it was her only option. What was she suppose to tell him? That she left because she was scared that she was dying again? That she left because there was a possibility that life could be a bigger bitch and she could stand to lose everything…again? 

No, as wrong as it felt, she did the right thing. Josh didn't need to hear her problems and Donna didn't want to share them. No. She didn't the right thing.

"Donna,"

"Dr. Lewis," Donna said looking up in surprise. She hadn't even heard her come in.

"Well, I have your test results here." Dr. Lewis said flipping through the papers that she was holding.

"And?" Donna asked anxiously.

"It seems that you're anemic."

"Anemic?" Donna repeated in disbelief.

"Yeah,"

"So I'm still in remission?" Donna asked feeling her face flush with relief.

"Yeah, you just need to take better care of yourself." Dr. Lewis frowned looking at Donna's test results, "Eat properly, rest and try to keep the stress under control."

Laughing, Donna felt the tension of the past few weeks melt away. "I don't know if I could do that Dr. Lewis."

"Why not?"

"Because," Donna explained giving her doctor Josh's patented smirk, "a Presidential campaign isn't a place you'll find yourself doing any of those things."

`~`~`~`~`

Clutching the telephone in horror, Donna felt memories of days long past wash over her. The loud noise of celebration drowned out by the pounding in her ears, Donna looked up and felt her eyes scan the room for Josh. With trembling hands she set the phone down and urged her suddenly frozen legs to move. She needed to move. She needed to find Josh. Josh needed to know. Oh my god, Josh needed to know.

Pushing past the celebrators, Donna moved through the rooms and looked for Josh. Spotting his laughing and cheering, Donna felt her heart weep for him. She knew what if felt like to lose a father. She knew how much Josh loved and admired his father. Oh god, she needed to get to Josh.

"Josh," Donna said suspiciously misty. 

"Donna!" Josh laughed practically bouncing on his heels, "Dance with me."

"Josh," Donna tried pulling out of his grasp.

Not hearing her over the noise of the party, Josh tugged at Donna's hand as he continued to smile at her.

"Josh, your father died."

`~`~`~`~`

It's a fear that she'll have for the rest of her life. From today, till the day she dies, any 'Breaking News' logo will make her blood run cold. Whenever news is on television when it shouldn't be, Donna will wonder if her world is threatening to fall apart again, if her life is about to end along with his.

She would have thought being in a hospital would have triggered some awful memories, but this place doesn't look like a hospital. Men in black suits are at every possible corner, sirens are blaring as the crowd outside continues to grow, and television crews and cameras have GW covered at all entrances. It's not a hospital. It's a zoo. A chaotic one since Donna can't seem to fight her way through the crowd. Clutching her White House badge like a lifeline, Donna finally spots an agent that she knows and she knows knows her. 

"Tom!" Donna yelled, desperation and frustration eating away at her, "Tom!"

His tense face whipping through the crowd, Tom spotted Donna's pale face immediately. Reaching out, he pulled her past the fighting crowd and past the barricades. 

"Thanks." Donna said slightly breathless, "Do you know where Josh is?"

His carefully masked face chipped slightly as he remained silent.

"Tom?"

"Come with me," Tom commanded grabbing Donna's arm and leading her past the various check points.

"Where's Josh?" Donna asked feeling fear start to spread through her.

"She's cleared." Tom told an agent stationed outside the waiting room.

Nodding, the silent agent moved past the door and pulled it open for Donna.

"Tom?" Donna asked confused.

"The senior staff is in there, Donna." Tom said softly.

"Okay," Donna nodded slipping into the room.

`~`~`~`~`

When she was 5 she lost her mother to cancer. When she was 7 they diagnosed her with cancer. From age of 7 to 16, she fought. For 9 years she fought, because she couldn't leave her father. For 9 years, she hated life. Then, just as soon as it seems like the clouds were clearing and she'll finally have normal life with her father, he dies. At 19 she's an orphan. At 19 she doesn't know where her life is going, or what she'll do. All she knows is that she's scared and lonely. All she has is a life insurance policy that will get her two years of school. All she has is herself. A battered body and a broken heart. Then, she thinks she falls in love. Collin seems like the perfect man. Older, wiser and a med student to boot. He seemed like the man who would take care of her forever. A man who would understand her needs and always love her. Collin fit perfectly into the dream life that she desired. The one that she never had. He seemed perfect. The problem was, he wasn't. It took her too long to realize that, but she didn't look back. Of all the things she hated about herself, that was the one thing she loved. She didn't look back. Even when he came back to offer her a second chance at the dream, she refused. It was because Governor Bartlet and Josh had taught her that she needed to fulfill her dreams herself. She couldn't wait for someone to hand her the perfect little life. She needed to find it and achieve it herself. And she would. 

Life wasn't supposed to get harder. It was supposed to get easier. Donna did the hard stuff already. If life were fair, which it wasn't, she would coast through the rest of her remaining years.

But, as life had proven many times in the past, it was a bitch.

Now, she was sitting in a waiting room wondering if the man she loved would die. Yeah, life was a bitch.

`~`~`~`~`

"I'm not taking them."

"You have too."

"Tough." Josh grunted.

Holding her hand out patiently, Donna wasn't deterred by Josh's foul mood. She was the Queen of foul moods. She had 9 years to hone and perfect them. Josh had nothing on her. "Josh, you have too."

"Well, I'm not going too." Josh said obviously in pain.

Sighing, Donna sat down on the bed beside Josh. "You're in pain."

"They make me loopy." Josh grumbled trying to roll his body away from Donna.

Placing a soothing hand on his cheek, Donna silently stilled him. "I know, but I'd rather you be loopy then in pain."

"Really Donna, I'm not taking them." Josh said grinding his teeth in pain.

"You are going too." Donna told him.

"No, I'm not." Josh said getting angry now.

"You're going to take them, even if I have to shove them down your throat." Donna informed him calmly.

"I'm the boss here." Josh frowned.

"No," Donna corrected gesturing around the neat bedroom, "you're a friend in pain right now, and I'm trying to help. Right now, at this moment, you're Joshua. Not Josh Lyman, Deputy Chief of Staff, not Josh Lyman, my boss, and not Josh Lyman professional hostile witness."

Feeling a small smile tug at his lips, Josh still refused to take the pills.

"Josh," Donna whispered watching the cold beads of sweat form on his forehead, "please."

"Donna…"

"No," Donna said shaking her head with a firm expression, "I'm not taking no for answer."

Sighing, Josh took the multicolor pills from Donna and swallowed them. Drinking the water that she offered his, Josh watched as Donna tilted her head to the side and graced him with a rare smile. This one was genuine and beautiful. Free of worry and fear. Free of pain and wonderment. This was just for him. Her hair cascaded down her shoulder and sparkled under the setting sun.

Watching Josh fight sleep, Donna slowly stroked his arm and lulled him to sleep.

"Will you stay?" Josh whispered feeling slumber creep up on him.

"Yeah," Donna promised letting her fingers drift towards his soft hair, "I will."

"Promise?" Josh whispered.

"Promise." Donna confirmed, "Don't worry, Josh. Non si preoccupi."

Watching Josh sleep into a peaceful night of sleep, Donna let her lips brush across his knitted brow. "Ti amo," Donna whispered, her lips grazing his cool skin, "I love you."

`~`~`~`~`

"Rules?" Josh asked incredulously.

"Rules." Donna nodded.

Looking up from the physics magazine that he was reading, Josh raised an unbelieving eyebrow. "What kind of rules?"

"All kinds." Donna answered, moving around his room and opening a window so that he could feel the warm summer breeze.

"Are you serious?"

"Very."

"You're insane."

"You're just figuring this out now?" Donna asked.

Amused by her light mood, Josh threw his magazine down and patted the space next to him. "Why the sudden need for rules?"

"It's not sudden." Donna countered sitting down gently, not to moved the bed too much and hurt Josh.

"Ah yeah, it is."

Shifting uncomfortably, Donna shrugged her shoulders. "It's just that I'm going back to work on Monday and I want to make sure that you understand that you're still recovering."

"I know that." Josh lied.

"I'm not bring work back Josh."

"Why not?" Josh whined.

"Because you're still recovering." Donna reminded him again.

"Just a couple of things about…"

"No."

"But…"

"No."

"Donna!" Josh whined again.

"No Joshua," Donna said with a definite shake of her head, "I'm not bringing you work."

"Just something to read…"

"No."

"How about a couple of memos on…"

"No."

"Is that you're word of the day?" Josh asked annoyed.

"If you don't stop asking to bring you back work, than yes."

"I'm not asking," Josh smirked, "I'm telling you."

"And I'm telling you no." Donna replied.

"Who's the boss here?" Josh asked, his smile telling her that he wasn't angry.

"You're not the only one wondering that." Donna smiled.

"What's on t.v. tonight?" Josh asked reaching over for his remote.

Grabbing it for him so that he wouldn't strain his stitches, Donna flipped it on. "Lets check."

"Go to CNN."

"No."

"Why the hell not?" Josh asked.

"Because Crossfire is on and you don't like Tucker." Donna said jumping to the Discovery Channel.

"He's annoying." Josh muttered trying to think of a way to take the remote from Donna.

"He's a republican." Donna smirked holding the remote out of reach, "Same thing."

Laughing, Josh leaned back against his pillows. 

`~`~`~`~`

"You knew."

"Yeah."

"How?"

"I just did." Donna said navigating the dark streets.

"Do you have a freaky sixth sense?" Josh asked trying to get a look at Donna's dark face.

"No." Donna sighed pulling into the emergency parking lot.

"Are you angry?" Josh asked softly.

"What?" Donna asked looking up from Josh as she killed the engine.

"Are you mad at me?" Josh asked looking down at his makeshift bandage.

"No," Donna whispered. She wasn't angry with him. She was angry with herself. For not taking it to Leo earlier. For not being there when he needed her. For being so damn afraid of walking into GW.

"Okay," Josh said hesitantly.

"I'm not mad at you, Josh." Donna whispered licking her dry lips.

"Okay," Josh repeated getting out of the car.

Taking a deep breath, Donna got out of the car too and walked over to lead Josh into the emergency room. She could do this. She could pull it together for Josh. She could walk into GW and not fall apart. She would be okay. As long as Josh was okay, she was okay. And he was okay. Oh god, he had to be.

"Donna?"

"Yeah?" Donna asked, her head snapping up in surprise.

Giving Donna a sheepish smile, Josh gestured at his watch. "Merry Christmas, Donnatella."

Returning the smile, Donna looped her arm with Josh's and gave him a soft tug. "Merry Christmas, Josh."

`~`~`~`~`

"Do you understand, Donna?"

Feeling the sounds of her childhood come rushing back, Donna wadded through the beeping and buzzing of machines and cries of infants next door, and nurses with squeaky shoes. "Is he in any pain?"

"Pardon?" Toby asked leaning forward, as if he had misheard Donna.

"Is he in any pain?" Donna repeated, trying to push through the past and return to reality.

"Ah…ah…no." Toby stumbled trying to find the right words, "No, he's not in any pain."

"Okay," Donna said forcing herself to her feet. "Okay."

"Okay." Toby replied dumbly.

Swallowing hard against the onslaught of memories, Donna slipped out of Toby's office and headed back towards her own. There wasn't time to wonder or cry. There wasn't time to be shocked or surprised. There was a country to run.

`~`~`~`~`

How is it possible for one moth to hold so many tragedies? First her mother died, than Josh was shot, and now Mrs. Landingham wouldn't be able to enjoy her new car. Was it possible for this month to get any worse? 

Watching Josh clench his jaw as she raised the coffin onto his shoulder, Donna had to duck her head to hide her tears. 

Yes, this month could get worse, because it could mark the last days of the real thing.

`~`~`~`~`

Things didn't so much fall apart, as start to unravel. It was a slow and tedious process that Donna watched with wide eyes. It was like an accident. It was horrific, but you just couldn't take your eyes away. Story of her life really. 

It was her own fault, she knew. But it wasn't at the same time. He could be angry, he could be upset, but he didn't have the right to feel betrayed. She didn't sell state secrets. She didn't do it purposely to hurt him. She did it because Cliff was a nice guy and he wanted her. God, Cliff wanted her. He thought that she was funny, smart and attractive. Do you know how rare it is to find a decent man in D.C.? So he's a republican, it's not a big deal. Only it is. Because really, life is a bitch.

Leave it to Donna to find the one man who wanted her, and couldn't have her. Actually, if you think about it, it's ironic. She wants Josh, but she can't have him. Life really is a bitch.

`~`~`~`~`

She can be the bigger person. She can be an adult. She can see that they are perfect for each other…even though at times they don't like each other very much. She's not blind. She can see the attraction. Physical and mental. They are just male and female versions of each other. She can see that they want each other. She can see that it can become something more. She can see that they are perfect for each other…career wise anyways. She can see how they would be the new power couple of D.C. She can see how people would think that they are perfect for each other.

She can see it all, she's not blind, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. If anything, it makes it hurt more.

Donna can see how she and Josh are getting back towards their thing, but she can also see how much their thing has changed. Maybe because of Amy, and maybe not. Maybe because of Cliff, and maybe not. Maybe because the real world came knocking and they finally answered.

Todd was never a threat to their delicate balance. Joey was never a major threat either, though at times it felt like it. All the random people that they've bumped into the last two years have never been more then a minor bump in their thing. But now, it seems that this isn't a bump in their thing. This is a detour. This is reality knocking after so long and smashing down their walls.

This isn't about blaming the people in their lives, their jobs and it's restraints or their fear to take their thing to another level. It's about wasted time, and the span of time left. It's about life flashing a sign about how they can either continue on the rocky road they're traveling and see if the path clears ahead, or take the detour that life is offering and leave each other to pursue other things.

It's not because she's afraid of dying, or afraid of leaving that Donna wants Josh to be with Amy. It's because she loves him that much. It's because after all the crap that he's been through, he deserves to be happy. It's about Amy giving him what she can't. A future. She doesn't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Nobody does. But the thing is, her body isn't going to be able to take another fight. She can only be young and strong for so long before the game is over. 

She can't guarantee Josh happily ever after, and god knows he deserves it. Donna can't guarantee anything but trouble. No. She loves him that much. She loves him enough to know that he's going to walk into her hospital room with that false smile and reassurance that everything is going to be okay. She knows that he thinks that he owes her for her friendship and care after Rossyln. She knows Josh better than he knows himself. She knows that he going to take the little bits of confusion that he has about how he feels about her and manufacture love because he thinks he owes her. 

No. Donna lived a false dream once, and the fall back to reality hurt too much. Donna knows Josh, and she knows herself. She knows that it's time to bow out, because she's outlived her use in this twisted play they live in. 

It's time to leave, because she can't bear the thought to leaving Josh unwillingly. She doesn't know if she's going to die today or 20 years from now, but she knows that she isn't going to be the wife that he needs. She knows he wants to run for office. She knows that he wants to do good things, because he feels the need to right all these wrongs. She knows that he can't concentrate on fulfilling a lifelong dream with an ailing lover…girlfriend…wife…whatever she would be. 

No. As much as it kills her to admit it, Amy will be there for him. She'll back him emotional and politically, because it'll help her own career too. And we all know how much that means to Amy. Donna knows, and it kills her to admit it, that in some warped way Amy cares about Josh. Maybe Amy will never love him the way Donna does, but Amy has one thing that Donna will never have. The freedom to live her life free of fear. 

No. This is about being the bigger person. She can do that, because she loves him that much.

`~`~`~`~`~`~`

Damn, that was long! ;] Hehe. I know, I know. You hate me for taking so long with this………but doesn't this just make up for it? ;] God I hope so. This is 20 pages long!!! Ohmygod………….sheesh. If I didn't feel so guilt…and if it wasn't all in Donna's voice, I would have spilt it up…but nah! This is for all the people who have been waiting…..and telling me to HURRY UP ALREADY!!!!! PLEASE! FOR CHRISTS SAKE!! *ahem* ppssssssstt!! Abby! That's you! ;] Hehe.

No really, thanks so much for telling me that you wanted me to continue. It's really amusing and *blush* great to hear that you guys want to read more of my stuff!! ;] Enjoy………..and remember, tell me what you think!! ;)

-Lucy


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